tethered

"Lord, what am I tethered to? Is it a place? Is it a person? Is it something I do? What keeps me from flying away? Like a kite, when the string snaps...."

I've been having this image, this sensation almost, that I'm free falling out of the sky. Not in the kind of way where I can see the ground and I know that I only have a few minutes before it's the end, but in a way that lasts days. I'm almost use to the feeling of gravity pulling me down while I continue to stay above the clouds.

I'm trying not be afraid. I know someway, somehow, that I will be caught. God will catch me, because He loves me, of course. I think of a hundred possibilites in which I will eventually stop falling. God what are you planning? Maybe there's a net down there?

But I don't see a net. And my guesses are wasted thoughts. I am afraid, no matter how many times that I tell myself, God will not let me fall. He wouldn't. He won't.

Sometimes, I feel a sense of liberation as I free fall. I'm not tethered to anything. When I close my eyes, I can sense the clouds, feel the air. It's beautiful to be weightless.

But often times, my eyes are wide open. And when I look around I wonder, why am I alone so much? Once in awhile, someone will come into my peripheral. Someone who is also falling. But they never say any words. I scream at them asking, "Do you know how we are we going to get down?" And they will always just smile, and then they're gone and I'm alone again.

Where is everyone else? They must be safely on the ground. Everyone else must have their feet under them. Grounded.

The air whipping through my hair and all around me feels good. And even though I'm falling from the sky, my heart racing with adrenaline excites me. It's the strangest sensation. I wonder if those with their feet on the ground have felt this? Can it be recreated any other way? Imitated somehow?

Of course it can't. Of course it can't.

So I will continue to fall and I will try to be thankful for as much as I can with nothing to hold onto, nothing to reach for, nothing that tethers me - except the faith that I have that I will eventually stop falling.

And I am thankful for the free fall itself. I would rather be in the air, wondering when my feet will be under me again, than be on the ground, looking up, unable to move one foot in front of the other, feeling the weight of my body, stuck, and wishing that I could be weightless - and free.

"You are currently living at least one of the things you use to pray for."