To my surprise, there was a few 2021 New Year's resolutions I actually stuck to this year. One of them being making the choice to self reflect without self destruction. I once read, and believe that, "God speaks through circumstances if you just pause long enough to reflect." So here's how I heard God speak through my circumstances this year...
As many of you know, I am in Hawai'i. I don't like to say I live in Hawai'i which is ironic because I've never been more alive being anywhere else. I was only planning to be here for 3 months. 3 months turned into a year. And it's been one of the best years I've ever had. It’s also been one of the most unraveling years I’ve had. The unraveling has led to healing.
Another one of my resolutions for the past year was to choose not to feel sorry for myself and have a victim’s mentality. What I didn't realize, however, is that I’ve been doing this. And it’s been hurting me more than helping.
“Getting hurt in life is a reality, staying hurt is a reaction. Seeking God’s impact through you is hard to do when you’re in pain.”
I realized this year that I’ve been living out of a place of pain for 23 years. It’s my motivator, it’s what drives me. I’ve refused to acknowledge my past for so long because I refused to let it define me and be an excuse. I would not be a victim of the world, I would make the world my victim. Makes a lot of sense doesn’t it?
But the truth is, I’m a victim of generations of brokenness. I am a victim of the foster care system. I am a victim of a broken childhood. That's not the pity party, that's the truth.
God’s hand over me my entire life has kept me from dissolving into the world and I am hyper aware of the second chance I was given that most never get. That’s part of the reason I deny my past. It could’ve been worse right?
“Don’t compare your pain with others. The worst pain you will ever feel is your own. That doesn’t mean you are selfish, that means you’re human.”
In reflecting, I realized that by not acknowledging the "big why" for the reason I’ve been living out of pain has only hurt the people I care about and the people closest to me. My reactions, my emotions, my thoughts, my insecurities have all been trained to defend myself. That’s what being in pain looks like. You survive.
Taking the time to work through all of the baggage I carry has always seemed like an exhausting, long process that I didn't even know where to begin with. I just figured it would happen someday. But someday can’t be another 23 years from now. The way I turn sadness into anger isn’t healthy. The kind of anger that picks a fight with everyone and everything for every single injustice that is taking place in the world.
“As long as you are busy protecting yourself, it will be difficult for you to experience the love of Christ.”
Now, you’re probably thinking that this must be the part where we get to the happy ending since this is getting a little long. But there is no happy ending….yet. Everyone keeps asking me what it is I’m doing in Hawai’i and the truth is - nothing. And for a person whose entire identity is wrapped up in the things she can accomplish, that’s been a challenge in itself.
When I’m not busy doing nothing, I’m working…a lot. And also surfing. And watching the sun set. And working some more because, well, it’s expensive to exist. But in the rest of my spare time, I’m listening, reflecting, healing and unraveling. The chaos inside of me is getting quieter. The guard I always have up and the angry edge I’m always giving everyone is easing off. I’m healing. God knew what He was doing when He sent me to Hawai’i in 2021.
For 2022 I am excited to continue the journey God has me on, to continue unraveling and healing. I’m discovering God isn’t who I thought He was and I’m not the person I thought I was either, which is both terrifying and emancipating.
I don’t wish you a Happy New Year, I wish you an unraveling New Year.
I wish you a healing New year.
I also wish you the sunshine of Hawai’i and the overwhelming presence of the love of God in each and every day.